Have you ever had one of those days where you sit back, look at your life, and wonder how different it would be if you'd taken another path? If one small choice, one large decision would have led you down a road differently than the one you're currently lost on? And would it be better or worse? Would you smile the same, look at a sunset with the same kind of amazement and awe? Would you still be wondering?
I'm questioning everything... Everything. I sit here on cold concrete, drinking my coffee and looking at the huge expanse of sky in the distance, reflecting on the past. I know it isn't good to dwell, as I don't. Every once in awhile, though, the memories play behind my eyes and I'm left feeling... Empty. Hollow. Fractured.
Now, if you're reading this you know that I'm usually an upbeat person. Not much shakes my outward appearance, and I'm usually running calm and serene under the surface. On reflective days, I still seem calm. Instead of serenity, though, the undertow beneath the waters is surprising. You'd never know it if I didn't say something, didn't give an indication that such deep thoughts were battling in my head.
Am I happy? Of course I am. I'm at peace with myself and the decisions I've made that have gotten me this far in my life. I've come to terms with things that I cannot change, things that I had no control over. Most days, my demons are buried. On the rare occasions that they aren't, I slay them again myself.
The reflective mood will end. The dark waters will once again return to a steady, peaceful calm. The turbulent thoughts will subside and I will once again be fine. But for today, for this moment, I am lost.